To Beard or Not To Beard



July 4, 2014--The last day of the Spring Beard

About seven years ago at age 34, I grew out my beard for the first time. It was on vacation in Hawaii, and it was awesome! Not the actual beard, but the act involved in letting go of the daily routine of shaving--so freeing!


I had been curious about what I'd look like with a beard (answer--like a handsome devil!) but I didn't want to try to grow one while at home for fear that it would appear awkward, or that I'd look unkempt; I'm kind of a clean cut guy. So vacation was a great place to experiment with my hidden-in-plain-sight hair. The end result was nice, but alas, after returning home, I shaved it off. 


Fast forward to February 2014 and I decided that my Hawaii Beard looked really cool and it reminded me of a fun time with my wife and parents (who were all in Kona with me), so I stopped shaving again. This time, there was no vacation to use to fill in the awkward/unkempt period--not that I cared.


You'd have thought I'd shown up for life wearing a straight-jacket. "What is that?" or "Why are you growing a beard?" or "You stopped shaving!" were spoken to me at every turn, people that were my friends and acquaintances. (Strangers don't seem to care, probably because they just assume I've always had facial hair) People came short of throwing chairs through windows, but I was really surprised how much my facial grooming habits effected others in my life. Sometimes people thought I must have had a good reason for growing it out, like I had a role in a play or something. It was like they needed to have a reason to accept why a grown man would stop scraping the hair off his face with a sharpened piece of metal.


Women were the worst offenders. Many that didn't normally take the time to speak to me would boldly approach and question, "Why didn't you shave today?" Sometimes I would explain, but I finally just got around to the thing that bugged me the most about their question, which was this--why do you feel like you can approach me without really having a close, prior relationship and question me about my grooming habits? Mind you, I shower, brush my teeth, and wear deodorant, so I'm rather well groomed, so it isn't like I was stinky, had bad breath AND had a beard. So I finally started answering their rude assumptions by saying something like, "I am so glad that you feel close enough to me that we can talk about personal things!" followed up with, "Did you shave today?" Let me tell you, the replies that I heard back to that were priceless! One said, "Oh, I never shave." Another gasped--actually gasped--at my "rude" reply.


So here are some of my insights as to the weird questions other people asked me--out loud--in objection to seeing my beard.


"Doesn't it itch?"--At first, yes. One night early on I woke up and almost sleep-shaved (is that a thing?) because it itched so much. In fact, I did shave it all off in March, but started growing it again in April. The second attempt in April was totally itch free! Amazing!


 "It must take as long to trim that as it would to just shave every morning?"--Not even close! A good, careful, close shave takes about 8 minutes, but a quick pass with a razor over my cheeks and lower neck takes about 1 minute. A couple snips with a small pair of scissors around the lips takes another minute or two, and boom--I'm out the door after only three. Five minutes saved!


"Why would you want a beard?"--I always have a beard, but usually it is very, very short, under the skin even. The whiskers are always there; whether or not you can see them is dependent on me cutting them down every day. Also, sometimes, I get really tired of the follow-up to shaving. Guys, you know what I'm talking about. You shave, but then you have to double-check for those stubborn whiskers that lay down flat and won't cooperate with the razor. So you have to get tweezers and pluck them out. Then there are the ingrown whiskers that require minor surgery to find and remove. Guess what? Beard equals no ingrown whiskers!


The questions go on, but I believe that you get my point. Rude questions seem to be normal when a guy grows out a beard and my point is STOP IT! Pregnant women hate it when strangers (or possibly even friends) put their hands on their swollen bellies, and I hate it when people cross over the threshold of etiquette and offer me advice/criticism about my facial hair.


What does one do when staring across a table or hallway at a friend with newly grown chin hair? I'll offer up what I consider to be the only acceptable option. It is very similar to what you would say about someone's outfit, new hairdo, tattoo, baby, car, house, tooth grillz, etc.


"I like your beard."--Even if it isn't true, it's the easiest way to recognize the add-on and move along to more interesting topics.


And that's it.


I think I look handsome with a beard (not sure if it is true or not) and strangers seem to treat me just a little bit nicer when I am wearing one, but I shaved mine off yesterday. It was hot, the hair was irritating my lips again, and I was hosting a pool party and thought it would be fun to gradually trim it off until all that was left was a John Waters mustache. (Side note: I believe that most men will trim their beards in the following progression--Full Beard to Van Dyke to Fu Manchu to Cop 'Stache [also know as Porn 'Stache] and then to either one of two options--either the Charlie Chaplin or the John Waters/Perv 'Stache to Baby Face. Comments on this phenomenon are welcome below). Turns out, it was great fun.